When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope--Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy

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We should do this over trying to guess or attempt something that we don’t know how to do and failing. It's classic book but now it's very outdated. The principles are still solid but examples just reinforce some ways of nonproductive and manipulative communication.

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty Summary | Manuel J. Smith When I Say No, I Feel Guilty Summary | Manuel J. Smith

a: it's bad for you, since it means that your thoughts aren't being heard, and you often end up doing something you don't want to Repetition" is a technique where if a manipulative person keeps trying to pressure you, you keep repeating your fogging reply. It just sounded really ridiculous hearing the author saying "you may be right, but I don't know" over and over again like a broken record. In real life, if your superior at work hears you stubbornly persisting in your answer like this they have cause for concern that you can't do your job. I think depending on the situation, a better reply would be to just say you notice that the person is really pressing the issue and that it's making you very uncomfortable. You can ask them to stop pressuring you. You can have a discussion and still reinforce your no, if it helps; however, no should be enough when you don't want to do something. Another better reply would be to negotiate what you're willing and able to do. If you're being asked to do XYZ by Friday, you can say that since ABC is the priority and due by Friday you won't be able to do both, so you can either shift the priority and do XYZ by this Friday and ABC by next Friday or let your boss decide. If you're unable to do XYZ, you can also say you can do Y but your boss will have to find someone else to cover XZ. Right 5 in the bill of assertive rights is you have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them. This one is straightforward in that we all have the right to make mistakes. We all do make mistakes from time to time. But, when we do, we should own up to them and not blame other people for them.You could try to use the fogging technique alongside other assertiveness techniques such as the broken record technique. Trying to use too many though can become confusing for the other person and is likely to make the situation worse. Further Learning

When I say no, I feel guilty — Summary – Karlbooklover When I say no, I feel guilty — Summary – Karlbooklover

Feeling good about yourself is a major goal of assertiveness therapy. Once we feel good about ourselves, our ability to cope with conflict "snowballs." Like other reviewers have said, the author starts off strong with explaining the importance of learning assertiveness in all your relationships. He gives a large variety of examples for the different techniques used with parent-adult child relationships, workplace relationships, friendships, and romantic relationship. As you read through the book, you'll notice the biggest issue is that the author sometimes gives examples that aren't actually assertive--instead some of these examples are unfortunately manipulative.En resumen “ser asertivo significa confiar en uno mismo y en sus capacidades”. Las técnicas expuestas son sencillas, pero requieren de práctica, vale la pena el intento. Talk in a calm, even voice. Use the same voice that you would use to ask to speak to someone on the phone. Be firm, calm, and clear. If you sound emotional, confused, or upset, then the person will sense your weakness and will try to exploit you. If you sound calm, then the person will see that you're being reasonable and that it's okay for you to say "no" once in a while. [8] X Research source You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.

The Bill of Assertive Rights - Assertiveness Articles

This means that we can make the decisions as to whether we should help other people fix issues or problems that they have – even if we are directly asked for help and support. You do not respond to your critic’s statements of wrongdoing with denial, defensiveness, or countermanipulation with criticisms of your own. Instead, you break the manipulative cycle by actively prompting further criticism about yourself or by prompting more information about statements of “wrongdoing” from the critical person in an unemotional, low-key manner.” There are people who will tell you that assertiveness is wrong.To this it must be asked "Who decides what is evil and what is not?" In an individualist society - it is up to the individual to decide for himself what is right and wrong. One is free in this society to argue about moral issues. However, the only one able to AUTHORITATIVELY say what is right and what is wrong is the individual. His judgement applies to him and him alone. The author of this book calls that "being one's own judge.". If you want to hear more about this...READ THE BOOK.

This article was co-authored by Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD. Dr. Sirvart Mesrobian is a Clinical Psychologist based in West Los Angeles and Glendale, California. With over nine years of professional and research experience, Dr. Mesrobian specializes in individual, family, and couples treatment for young adults and adults. Dr. Mesrobian provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, motivational interviewing, trauma-focused treatments, and other services. She earned a Master's in Psychology and a Doctorate of Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University. We cannot solve problems simply by expressing our right to be assertive when faced with the manipulation or judgment of others. When a sales clerk attempts to manipulate you, you probably shouldn't shout, "Stop trying to control me! I have the right to make my own choices!" The sales clerk won't understand what you mean and may think you're a bit paranoid. Not to mention the people in hierarchical relationships with us, like our parents, who would scoff at such a statement.