Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

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Instead I encountered a revolutionary interpretation of the role of attachment in the lives of our youngsters and an exploration of the implications of this on our culture and our role as parents. The book addresses the severe lack of attachment to parents that is incidentally replaced by an attachment to peers. They are not the ones to give our children a sense of themselves, to point out right from wrong, to distinguish fact from fantasy, to identify what works and what doesn’t, and to direct them as to where to go and how to get there” (p 19). What a powerful statement, and although I know it’s true, it’s very difficult for me to remember this when I’m rushing about our busy lives.

Bet galvenais grāmatas vadmotīvs ir - kas notiek ar mūsu bērniem, ja mēs šo piesaisti neveidojam/pazaudējam. Finally, the authors' tone frequently betrays a world view where not only is an adult more powerful but also right or correct or justified in manipulating children, aka adultism. If that sounds rich coming from someone who has co-authored a parenting book, Maté says his and Neufeld’s mission is simply “to validate parenting instincts” in the face of a cultural onslaught against them.Practice makes perfect, and it would be nice to get it figured out before you really need it, you know? Some of it's aspect may lead to agressive behaviour, but my belief is that it's true reason is the missing of connection. By helping to reawaken parenting instincts innate to us all, this book will empower parents to be for their children what nature intended: a true source of contact, security, and warmth. Classroom sizes are too big, parents are too busy with work or life stresses or only one parent is present, families are often isolated from extended family that used to have such a large role in raising children, and adults that children can develop meaningful relationships with are few and far between.

Instead of having “this troubled kid” on their hands, Maté and Rae needed to address their own behaviour – a revelation that was both “daunting and empowering”, Maté says. It just seemed like so many other things he was suggesting were different from the societal norm that it seems like he could have given it some weight as at least being beneficial to your children and worth the effort to make it work.

He actually describes this as a problem for most of the people my age that are reading the book as they raise young children. Although it may be too complicated to explain to people who disagree in a social situation where this would come up, the book does give the reader encouragement to be counter-cultural and foster parental attachment way beyond the time most parents in our culture have relinquished that role to peers. I have only just begun to apply Gordon Neufeld’s ideas but have already been astonished by the reduction in anxiety in both my children and myself. It’s not about methods or recipes for parenting but a psychological explanation to what we should and probably already have innate in us from the start. Without secure attachment, kids can't mature, and if they can't mature, socialization is going to be damaging.

He says, "The greater the number of caring adults in a child's life, the more immune he or she will be to peer orientation. In Hold On to Your Kids, acclaimed physician and bestselling author Gabor Maté joins forces with psychologist Gordon Neufeld to pinpoint the causes of this breakdown and offer practical advice on how to “reattach” to your children and earn back their loyalty and love. Shaping values, identity and codes of behaviour, peer groups are often far more influential than parents. In Hold on to Your Kids, acclaimed physician and best-selling author Gabor Maté joins forces with Gordon Neufeld, a psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting.I found I was not convinced by the case they made as they sounded more like opinions than ideas that would hold up to rigorous scrutiny. Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté is a brilliant book that stopped me in my tracks. The emergent child – the child who is self-motivated and not driven by needs for peer contact – seems like an anomaly, irregular, a little off the beaten track. They need to feel loved, cherished, and accepted despite their shortcomings or even their behaviors toward us. I have multiple problems with these assertions, but really it felt like a justification for helicopter parenting.